Wow. Even as I write these words I can barely believe it’s already the end of 2021. If you had told me at the beginning of the year that my life would take the turns and changes it did this year, I would have laughed, and quite frankly, probably told you to fuck off.

Nature and being outside is something that keeps me grounded, and yet at the same time – free. It’s my reminder of what burns inside of me. This year was a lot like nature. Unpredictable.

And just like that the dog trainer is here unexpectedly.

OK, back to nature. Or writing. Or what were we talking about again? You see, it’s been a couple days since I typed that last paragraph. Days filled with kids events, kid tantrums, and well – mommy tantrums.

But here I am. Back where I can relax through getting these words on paper. Maybe you’ll read them and laugh. Maybe you’ll cry. Maybe you’ll find something helpful, maybe you’ll think I’m nuts. Hell, maybe you won’t be reading these words at all – that’s ok. This is for me.

I started this little blog for me, and it will always remain so, with the hope that maybe it will reach someone who is feeling alone and they’ll think “YES! Same, girl same!”. I’m not too eccentric to think I can be the only one feeling all the things I do in a day.

Anyway, grounding. Grounded. Don’t confuse the feeling I describe as grounded with being shackled. More like a free confidence. The things I do to stay feeling a little less crazy throughout the day filled with kids schedules and teenage attitudes. Like standing outside on that first warm spring day and just lifting your face toward the sun. Maybe that first spring day feels so good from a lack of vitamin D, or maybe it’s something else. Either way, it’s incredibly freeing for me to be outside and in nature. It’s a reminder of the freedom I have, and, at the same time, the vastness of the world. How, I am so small in the grand scheme of the universe, ye like a drop in a pool of water, even my small and seemingly insignificant existence will have such a ripple effect. Tiny ripples with my every action.

As I reflect on the last year I think a lot about all of these ripple effects. From myself and from others. Some ripples hit each other, and they just stop. Some intersect awkwardly and the ripples get a little random and don’t make a lot of sense for a while. This last example could describe the last year for me. For our family.

I’ll share more later, but for now, I’ll simply contemplate what this last year has meant.

I know what it was. It was HARD. Very hard.

The bigger question is “what has it taught me?” It’s taught me to be kind. It’s taught me that things are not always as they seem. It’s taught me that some people just want to be right. Most importantly, it’s reminded me of what matters the most. So, into 2022, I’m bringing what matters, and leaving the rest behind. One thing at a time.

My word for this year – balance. I will seek balance in all that I do. All that I am.


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Meet Bryn

 
Constantly busy. Constantly there for others and doing what I thought (real or assumed) as expected of me.

In February of 2009 my life changed forever. Actually, it started years prior- 2003 maybe, with my mom’s original diagnosis. On that February day and the days that followed I found myself questioning everything. “Should I stay in school? Are my younger siblings doing ok? My dad CANNOT take care of himself. Should I go home to make sure they’re all alright?” Those are just a fraction of the things I asked myself.

Anger. I also remember feeling so angry. “How could she? Why us? Why me? Why now, when I’m about to graduate college, my sister is about to graduate high school and my brother just starting high school?” Don’t even get me started on my sister’s graduation party and the anxiety over making it as perfect as possible for her despite the huge sadness that accompanied it all.

One day I’ll be gone. I don’t know when or how – none of us do. Something random could take me out tomorrow (not morbid it’s just life). I do know this – I will do whatever I can to delay that truth. I will do whatever I can in the here and now to make my kids a little more prepared.

People always preach “self-care”. I do at times, too. For me it comes from a deep ache. It comes from a place I don’t want anyone else to find themselves in.

It took a lot of grief, lessons in patience, a marriage, a divorce, another marriage and navigating mothering through it all, now with step-kids under my wings also. Step-kids that are adopted to their parents and have undergone more hurt than they deserve. Step-kids that have taught me so much about love and hurt.

Love and hurt. We can’t have one without the other, can we? I found myself lost. I was completely lost in motherhood that I began neglecting my own needs and the needs of my first marriage – hence why there was a second one (I didn’t say this was a pretty story – just a real one).

Now I’m slowly rebuilding my world while focusing on my health – all my health – mental and physical. Equally important.

My journey is far from over, but I've chose to share my journey both as a recounting and remembering for me, but more importantly, so maybe it will save someone else a bit of pain in their own journey – or at least let you know you’re not alone.

If you’ve read this far, welcome. Also, thank you. I’m happy to have you in this space with me.

The best part, is that I know this is only the beginning.


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