I haven’t spoken much here, in this space, about the trials I’ve took on as a stepmother. Mostly because I figured I didn’t have much to add to the conversation, and that I really, in the grand scheme of things, was just getting started – still learning my roll, if you will.
Typing that, sounded comical. So often we feel like we have these rolls to fulfill of woman, wife, mother, stepmother. It’s all bullshit. The truth is, none of us know what we are doing, and we are all just relying on each other to figure it out. Thank God for each other. Honestly, I’m not sure how I’d do it without you all. Don’t get me wrong, some of your advice sucks, at least for me and my family, but some of it is straight gold. Again, at least for me and my family. Which is why I felt compelled to finally share a bit more. As I’ve shared some here and there on social media about stepfamily life, I’ve gotten a few “YES!” and a handful of “ME TOO!” responses, so I figured hell, if I can help at least one stepmom, it’s completely worth it.
As you may know, or not, I’m not just a stepmom, and biological mom, I’m a stepmom to adopted children. This brings on a whole new set of things to navigate. Children losing their nuclear families due to abuse, put with foster families, and finally adopted only to have that world also crumble before them. There’s no light-hearted or easy thing about it, honestly. Only tragedy.
So, as any mother would do, I reached out for support. From moms, from stepmoms, from anyone who might know any damn thing. I read that families that adopt children have a higher incidence of divorce due to not only all of the stressors and things that come along with not the adoption process, but all of the things that lead them to adoption, as well as adjusting to this new family life.
“Ok”, I thought, then I won’t be alone. Right? Wrong. So, dead ass wrong. There is NOTHING out there I’ve been able to find describing my situation. We’ve sought out family therapy and even our therapist kind of keeps trying to treat us like a nuclear family and honestly, that kind of is starting to piss me off. We have an appointment tomorrow; I think I’ll let him know.
So, here I am. Grasping at bits and pieces of this blended family life with a ton of support and direction, but none (literally none) that speaks to my specific needs. I hope whatever I have to say helps you, in at least some small way. No two stories are alike, but with some trial and error, a lot of love, and even more understanding, we can learn just how these kids need to be loved.
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