Trials of a stepmother, a series, maybe.
I haven’t spoken much here, in this space, about the trials I’ve took on as a stepmother. Mostly because I figured I didn’t have much to add to the conversation, and that I really, in the grand scheme of things, was just getting started – still learning my roll, if you will.

Typing that, sounded comical. So often we feel like we have these rolls to fulfill of woman, wife, mother, stepmother. It’s all bullshit. The truth is, none of us know what we are doing, and we are all just relying on each other to figure it out. Thank God for each other. Honestly, I’m not sure how I’d do it without you all. Don’t get me wrong, some of your advice sucks, at least for me and my family, but some of it is straight gold. Again, at least for me and my family. Which is why I felt compelled to finally share a bit more. As I’ve shared some here and there on social media about stepfamily life, I’ve gotten a few “YES!” and a handful of “ME TOO!” responses, so I figured hell, if I can help at least one stepmom, it’s completely worth it.

As you may know, or not, I’m not just a stepmom, and biological mom, I’m a stepmom to adopted children. This brings on a whole new set of things to navigate. Children losing their nuclear families due to abuse, put with foster families, and finally adopted only to have that world also crumble before them. There’s no light-hearted or easy thing about it, honestly. Only tragedy.

So, as any mother would do, I reached out for support. From moms, from stepmoms, from anyone who might know any damn thing. I read that families that adopt children have a higher incidence of divorce due to not only all of the stressors and things that come along with not the adoption process, but all of the things that lead them to adoption, as well as adjusting to this new family life.

“Ok”, I thought, then I won’t be alone. Right? Wrong. So, dead ass wrong. There is NOTHING out there I’ve been able to find describing my situation. We’ve sought out family therapy and even our therapist kind of keeps trying to treat us like a nuclear family and honestly, that kind of is starting to piss me off. We have an appointment tomorrow; I think I’ll let him know.

So, here I am. Grasping at bits and pieces of this blended family life with a ton of support and direction, but none (literally none) that speaks to my specific needs. I hope whatever I have to say helps you, in at least some small way. No two stories are alike, but with some trial and error, a lot of love, and even more understanding, we can learn just how these kids need to be loved.


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Meet Bryn

 
Constantly busy. Constantly there for others and doing what I thought (real or assumed) as expected of me.

In February of 2009 my life changed forever. Actually, it started years prior- 2003 maybe, with my mom’s original diagnosis. On that February day and the days that followed I found myself questioning everything. “Should I stay in school? Are my younger siblings doing ok? My dad CANNOT take care of himself. Should I go home to make sure they’re all alright?” Those are just a fraction of the things I asked myself.

Anger. I also remember feeling so angry. “How could she? Why us? Why me? Why now, when I’m about to graduate college, my sister is about to graduate high school and my brother just starting high school?” Don’t even get me started on my sister’s graduation party and the anxiety over making it as perfect as possible for her despite the huge sadness that accompanied it all.

One day I’ll be gone. I don’t know when or how – none of us do. Something random could take me out tomorrow (not morbid it’s just life). I do know this – I will do whatever I can to delay that truth. I will do whatever I can in the here and now to make my kids a little more prepared.

People always preach “self-care”. I do at times, too. For me it comes from a deep ache. It comes from a place I don’t want anyone else to find themselves in.

It took a lot of grief, lessons in patience, a marriage, a divorce, another marriage and navigating mothering through it all, now with step-kids under my wings also. Step-kids that are adopted to their parents and have undergone more hurt than they deserve. Step-kids that have taught me so much about love and hurt.

Love and hurt. We can’t have one without the other, can we? I found myself lost. I was completely lost in motherhood that I began neglecting my own needs and the needs of my first marriage – hence why there was a second one (I didn’t say this was a pretty story – just a real one).

Now I’m slowly rebuilding my world while focusing on my health – all my health – mental and physical. Equally important.

My journey is far from over, but I've chose to share my journey both as a recounting and remembering for me, but more importantly, so maybe it will save someone else a bit of pain in their own journey – or at least let you know you’re not alone.

If you’ve read this far, welcome. Also, thank you. I’m happy to have you in this space with me.

The best part, is that I know this is only the beginning.


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