kids

So often as parents we get hung-up on things that don’t really matter. No, I don’t mean we should be like “but did they die?”. That would be fucked up and irresponsible. However, there are some things I’ve been hearing that are just insane. The first is this idea that moms need to be martyrs and be all sunshiny and drooling over their kids all the time. Yes, they will always be that beautiful little baby in your eyes mama, but no, they are not perfect. Of course, I can love my kids while also knowing that they aren’t perfect.

Today my stepdaughter couldn’t come up with a damn thing that would motivate her to clean her room when our therapist asked her the question. The truth is, I knew when he asked the question that if she was honest, she couldn’t think of anything. Not because she is bad, not because she wants to be defiant (well sometimes maybe), but because she honestly doesn’t care about a mess. That is her. It annoys the crap out of us, just like I annoyed the crap out of my mother. Also, she tends to tell some lies in order to attempt to please others or keep herself out of perceived trouble, so I was simply proud of her that she told the truth. I should let her know that tomorrow.

As a result, the therapist asked her who, of her father and I, was better at cleaning. She said her dad was better at cleaning, but I was better at organizing. I think that is because her dad will pick up after dinner, after himself, after the kids, but I tend to be the one to deep clean and make things pretty – or at least warm, welcoming, and cozy. That is important to me. It’s a whole vibe that I wish for our family.

Anyway, after this first question, our therapist then asked who she would like to help her clean her room. She picked me. “Great, just fucking great”, I thought. It’s not that I have a problem cleaning, or helping her, I’ve done that more times than I can count. But to be called out as the one in therapy sat a bit different with me. I suddenly felt like the kid that didn't know the answer, called on in class. Nervous. feeling like eyes were on me. I had no right answers.

“Ten minutes every night”, he told her. He told us to set a timer, shut the door. Ten minutes, her and me. In theory I was kind of thrilled to have this time with her, even if it was cleaning her laundry explosion of a room, with tiny rubber bands strewn about on the floor. Then I thought about my daughter Charlotte, she would be home in two days, and doing anything without her glued to me, especially that first day, was always questionable. “Good”, I told myself, this will be good for Charlotte too.

Meanwhile a pit formed in my stomach. “Ugh”, I thought to myself.

So, tonight was the first night. Timer for 10 minutes. We did it. Honestly, I enjoyed it as I thought I would. We will see how the rest of the week goes. As her dad and I have told her hundreds of times, if she would just go and focus and do it, it wouldn’t take long at all. We got it about 85% done in just this first evening of cleaning together.

Our therapist also told her when we were done to thank me for helping her and for my time and to give me a hug. I’m not one for making kids hug me, even if they live in my house, but a thank you would’ve been nice. Maybe next time. Maybe not. Either way, it’s not about that. It never was.

I haven’t spoken much here, in this space, about the trials I’ve took on as a stepmother. Mostly because I figured I didn’t have much to add to the conversation, and that I really, in the grand scheme of things, was just getting started – still learning my roll, if you will.

Typing that, sounded comical. So often we feel like we have these rolls to fulfill of woman, wife, mother, stepmother. It’s all bullshit. The truth is, none of us know what we are doing, and we are all just relying on each other to figure it out. Thank God for each other. Honestly, I’m not sure how I’d do it without you all. Don’t get me wrong, some of your advice sucks, at least for me and my family, but some of it is straight gold. Again, at least for me and my family. Which is why I felt compelled to finally share a bit more. As I’ve shared some here and there on social media about stepfamily life, I’ve gotten a few “YES!” and a handful of “ME TOO!” responses, so I figured hell, if I can help at least one stepmom, it’s completely worth it.

As you may know, or not, I’m not just a stepmom, and biological mom, I’m a stepmom to adopted children. This brings on a whole new set of things to navigate. Children losing their nuclear families due to abuse, put with foster families, and finally adopted only to have that world also crumble before them. There’s no light-hearted or easy thing about it, honestly. Only tragedy.

So, as any mother would do, I reached out for support. From moms, from stepmoms, from anyone who might know any damn thing. I read that families that adopt children have a higher incidence of divorce due to not only all of the stressors and things that come along with not the adoption process, but all of the things that lead them to adoption, as well as adjusting to this new family life.

“Ok”, I thought, then I won’t be alone. Right? Wrong. So, dead ass wrong. There is NOTHING out there I’ve been able to find describing my situation. We’ve sought out family therapy and even our therapist kind of keeps trying to treat us like a nuclear family and honestly, that kind of is starting to piss me off. We have an appointment tomorrow; I think I’ll let him know.

So, here I am. Grasping at bits and pieces of this blended family life with a ton of support and direction, but none (literally none) that speaks to my specific needs. I hope whatever I have to say helps you, in at least some small way. No two stories are alike, but with some trial and error, a lot of love, and even more understanding, we can learn just how these kids need to be loved.

Wow. Even as I write these words I can barely believe it’s already the end of 2021. If you had told me at the beginning of the year that my life would take the turns and changes it did this year, I would have laughed, and quite frankly, probably told you to fuck off.

Nature and being outside is something that keeps me grounded, and yet at the same time – free. It’s my reminder of what burns inside of me. This year was a lot like nature. Unpredictable.

And just like that the dog trainer is here unexpectedly.

OK, back to nature. Or writing. Or what were we talking about again? You see, it’s been a couple days since I typed that last paragraph. Days filled with kids events, kid tantrums, and well – mommy tantrums.

But here I am. Back where I can relax through getting these words on paper. Maybe you’ll read them and laugh. Maybe you’ll cry. Maybe you’ll find something helpful, maybe you’ll think I’m nuts. Hell, maybe you won’t be reading these words at all – that’s ok. This is for me.

I started this little blog for me, and it will always remain so, with the hope that maybe it will reach someone who is feeling alone and they’ll think “YES! Same, girl same!”. I’m not too eccentric to think I can be the only one feeling all the things I do in a day.

Anyway, grounding. Grounded. Don’t confuse the feeling I describe as grounded with being shackled. More like a free confidence. The things I do to stay feeling a little less crazy throughout the day filled with kids schedules and teenage attitudes. Like standing outside on that first warm spring day and just lifting your face toward the sun. Maybe that first spring day feels so good from a lack of vitamin D, or maybe it’s something else. Either way, it’s incredibly freeing for me to be outside and in nature. It’s a reminder of the freedom I have, and, at the same time, the vastness of the world. How, I am so small in the grand scheme of the universe, ye like a drop in a pool of water, even my small and seemingly insignificant existence will have such a ripple effect. Tiny ripples with my every action.

As I reflect on the last year I think a lot about all of these ripple effects. From myself and from others. Some ripples hit each other, and they just stop. Some intersect awkwardly and the ripples get a little random and don’t make a lot of sense for a while. This last example could describe the last year for me. For our family.

I’ll share more later, but for now, I’ll simply contemplate what this last year has meant.

I know what it was. It was HARD. Very hard.

The bigger question is “what has it taught me?” It’s taught me to be kind. It’s taught me that things are not always as they seem. It’s taught me that some people just want to be right. Most importantly, it’s reminded me of what matters the most. So, into 2022, I’m bringing what matters, and leaving the rest behind. One thing at a time.

My word for this year – balance. I will seek balance in all that I do. All that I am.

Mom. Boss. Employee. Oh, and partner (sorry babe, I promise I didn’t forget you). Those are just the major overarching titles I wear. Within those titles are a million other little things like teacher, servant, cook, cleaner, cheerleader, nurse, therapist, listener, sounding board, expert, learner, observer, leader, healer – and so many more.

It can easily all be too much. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. I experience a full range of emotions for a day before 7am. I’m expected to do what others would deem impossible. But I do. If you’re a mom, you do, too.

How though, do we deal with people who just don’t live in that world? Or even those that do, but put extra (and often unnecessary) stress on us?

First of all, I have my moment of feeling like shit. Yep. I said that. You can let yourself feel the things, mama. It’s ok.

Then, I recognize it for what it is. If someone else is adding stress to me, it’s for one of two reasons.
1. It’s not real.
2. It’s something going on within them.

That’s it. Easy.

What do I mean by it’s not real? The stress – you’re putting it on yourself due to some made up expectation you’re not meeting in your own head. Which then leads to a cycle of guilt and eventually overwhelm.

What about when it is real? Listen, and listen closely. Anyone who intentionally (whether they recognize it or not is also on them) adds stress to your life, doesn’t know how to deal with a situation appropriately. You see, when people are stressed out, they feel that same guilt and overwhelm I mentioned above. When they don’t have the proper coping mechanisms, they pass that stress on to you. Whether it’s your kids, your spouse, your boss. Doesn’t matter.

Once I identify where it’s coming from, I ask myself a couple more questions. Like I said to our 13 year old the other day, “Will this matter in 5 minutes? 5 hours? 5 days? 5 years?”. If the answer is no, then make like Elsa and let it go. If the answer is yes, then it might be something worth fighting for.

There are always going to be people and things that add stress to your life. Leave it at the door, and remember what is important. I don’t know a single person that has said they wished they’d spent more time at work. Not a single one. So, when you’re juggling all the things, and you’re about to lose your shit, remember what matters the most. Them. The people who, at the end of it all, are going to be there for you. With you. Supporting you. Needing you. Loving you. And you’ll be right there doing the same for them, because that, is what matters. 

So let them put on their own shoes, even if it means you’ll be late. Let them carry their own bag, and give you an extra kiss, and ask you 85 million questions. If you don’t, you know you’ll be in the wrong mindset all day anyway, after you yell, scold, and drag them to the car. Your day might as well be done at that point, right? All you’re thinking about is that stress, you’re on edge all day and you’re counting down the minutes until you see them again. Be damned if you’re a stepparent and their other parent is picking them up that day.

We all feel it. The pressure, whether it’s said or not. At the end of the day, make the choice that will leave the world a better place. Our kids are the future. Our families are what you have at the end of the day. They are the reason we do what we do. It could always be worse, and tomorrow will be better.

Especially in 2020, this is a very loaded question, as a lot has changed for so many of us. It has definitely been a year that has required everyone to pivot, to recognize what is truly important, and it has brought out the best in some, and the worst in others.

The people that have had to adjust the most, are the ones that are thankfully the most resilient – the kids. I honestly think we will never be the same again, and I’m honestly not mad about that. Not at all, actually. I’m kind of glad that our perspectives have shifted.

At the beginning of all of this I certainly wasn’t feeling that way. I still have moments of stress, but I honestly wasn’t sure how we’d get through virtual learning while we adults worked form home side by side. But we did. We freaking did!

It wasn’t always pretty, either.

I’ve had to learn how to survive without seeing my siblings and parents besides the zoom or FaceTime call. I have a nephew who is growing like a weed and I feel like I’m missing it all.

Doors have been shut, and new ones have opened. Why? Because I was AWAKE. I was so awake this year. Awake to all that was around me. Awake to the people around me. Awake in a world that could easily make me cold and angry, and at times, it did.

Overall, 2020 has been a year of personal growth and transformation. Not only for myself but for our family. Kevin and I got engaged and started making plans for our future despite so many cancelled plans in 2020.

Our family of 5 has continued to learn how to live along side each other. We had a conversation just last night on what we had expected blending our families to be like. We both had totally opposite expectations – he, taking on the ever-optimistic role, and me the “worst case scenario” role. We were both wrong. I guess that is how all of life is, isn’t it? It’s never what we expect, but always what we need in order to help us grow, if we look for that opportunity.

I can’t help but think that somehow the five of us being together in our 1200 sq. ft. home helped us face some of those battles head on – or at least forced us to.

I could look at what we gave up in 2020, but what we gained is so much more. I look to 2021 for continued transformation in a heart of service to others. And while I have some huge goals for 2021, I know the biggest work to be done will be within the walls of my own home and in the hearts of those within it.

If you’re already feeling burnt out, jump in my free group “Exhausted to Energized Moms” and get back to feeling like you again. Come join us. If you need an accountability partner, or a community of support along this crazy motherhood journey, and you’ve been feeling burnt out, overwhelmed, and just not yourself, then this is the right place for you.