blended family

Mom. Boss. Employee. Oh, and partner (sorry babe, I promise I didn’t forget you). Those are just the major overarching titles I wear. Within those titles are a million other little things like teacher, servant, cook, cleaner, cheerleader, nurse, therapist, listener, sounding board, expert, learner, observer, leader, healer – and so many more.

It can easily all be too much. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. I experience a full range of emotions for a day before 7am. I’m expected to do what others would deem impossible. But I do. If you’re a mom, you do, too.

How though, do we deal with people who just don’t live in that world? Or even those that do, but put extra (and often unnecessary) stress on us?

First of all, I have my moment of feeling like shit. Yep. I said that. You can let yourself feel the things, mama. It’s ok.

Then, I recognize it for what it is. If someone else is adding stress to me, it’s for one of two reasons.
1. It’s not real.
2. It’s something going on within them.

That’s it. Easy.

What do I mean by it’s not real? The stress – you’re putting it on yourself due to some made up expectation you’re not meeting in your own head. Which then leads to a cycle of guilt and eventually overwhelm.

What about when it is real? Listen, and listen closely. Anyone who intentionally (whether they recognize it or not is also on them) adds stress to your life, doesn’t know how to deal with a situation appropriately. You see, when people are stressed out, they feel that same guilt and overwhelm I mentioned above. When they don’t have the proper coping mechanisms, they pass that stress on to you. Whether it’s your kids, your spouse, your boss. Doesn’t matter.

Once I identify where it’s coming from, I ask myself a couple more questions. Like I said to our 13 year old the other day, “Will this matter in 5 minutes? 5 hours? 5 days? 5 years?”. If the answer is no, then make like Elsa and let it go. If the answer is yes, then it might be something worth fighting for.

There are always going to be people and things that add stress to your life. Leave it at the door, and remember what is important. I don’t know a single person that has said they wished they’d spent more time at work. Not a single one. So, when you’re juggling all the things, and you’re about to lose your shit, remember what matters the most. Them. The people who, at the end of it all, are going to be there for you. With you. Supporting you. Needing you. Loving you. And you’ll be right there doing the same for them, because that, is what matters. 

So let them put on their own shoes, even if it means you’ll be late. Let them carry their own bag, and give you an extra kiss, and ask you 85 million questions. If you don’t, you know you’ll be in the wrong mindset all day anyway, after you yell, scold, and drag them to the car. Your day might as well be done at that point, right? All you’re thinking about is that stress, you’re on edge all day and you’re counting down the minutes until you see them again. Be damned if you’re a stepparent and their other parent is picking them up that day.

We all feel it. The pressure, whether it’s said or not. At the end of the day, make the choice that will leave the world a better place. Our kids are the future. Our families are what you have at the end of the day. They are the reason we do what we do. It could always be worse, and tomorrow will be better.

Especially in 2020, this is a very loaded question, as a lot has changed for so many of us. It has definitely been a year that has required everyone to pivot, to recognize what is truly important, and it has brought out the best in some, and the worst in others.

The people that have had to adjust the most, are the ones that are thankfully the most resilient – the kids. I honestly think we will never be the same again, and I’m honestly not mad about that. Not at all, actually. I’m kind of glad that our perspectives have shifted.

At the beginning of all of this I certainly wasn’t feeling that way. I still have moments of stress, but I honestly wasn’t sure how we’d get through virtual learning while we adults worked form home side by side. But we did. We freaking did!

It wasn’t always pretty, either.

I’ve had to learn how to survive without seeing my siblings and parents besides the zoom or FaceTime call. I have a nephew who is growing like a weed and I feel like I’m missing it all.

Doors have been shut, and new ones have opened. Why? Because I was AWAKE. I was so awake this year. Awake to all that was around me. Awake to the people around me. Awake in a world that could easily make me cold and angry, and at times, it did.

Overall, 2020 has been a year of personal growth and transformation. Not only for myself but for our family. Kevin and I got engaged and started making plans for our future despite so many cancelled plans in 2020.

Our family of 5 has continued to learn how to live along side each other. We had a conversation just last night on what we had expected blending our families to be like. We both had totally opposite expectations – he, taking on the ever-optimistic role, and me the “worst case scenario” role. We were both wrong. I guess that is how all of life is, isn’t it? It’s never what we expect, but always what we need in order to help us grow, if we look for that opportunity.

I can’t help but think that somehow the five of us being together in our 1200 sq. ft. home helped us face some of those battles head on – or at least forced us to.

I could look at what we gave up in 2020, but what we gained is so much more. I look to 2021 for continued transformation in a heart of service to others. And while I have some huge goals for 2021, I know the biggest work to be done will be within the walls of my own home and in the hearts of those within it.

If you’re already feeling burnt out, jump in my free group “Exhausted to Energized Moms” and get back to feeling like you again. Come join us. If you need an accountability partner, or a community of support along this crazy motherhood journey, and you’ve been feeling burnt out, overwhelmed, and just not yourself, then this is the right place for you.