We all know that motherhood is no joke. It’s so easy to look at other moms and think “wow, she’s really got it all together”. The Truth though? None of us have it “all together”. None of us truly knew how to be a mom before we became one, so remember that next time you’re scrolling, and you start playing the comparison game.
The hardest thing I’ve had to learn as a mom? No, it wasn’t that we are all out here winging it and not really know what we were doing. It was to LET GO. To let go of things we can’t control…and even some of what we can. I don’t talk about my divorce much because quite frankly, I don’t let that define me. I’m not “a divorced mom”, no, I’m just a mom. However, through going through a divorce and then starting a relationship with someone that has children as well, I’ve had to learn to let go a lot – like a lot a lot.
Now, rather than throwing myself into a full-on anxiety attack, I use the tools that I’ve learned to cope. No, I’m not talking about my glass of wine (that I do enjoy by the way). I’m talking about thinking things through and asking myself a few questions.
Questions like: Is this going to matter in 5 years? If the answer is no, then I ask “Is this even going to matter in five minutes”. If the answer to both of these is know, then I allow myself to let it go right then and there. If the answer is yes then I ask myself WHY. You see, most of the time, us mamas want to control our kid’s worlds because we think we know best. And we do know best. However, we don’t always know BETTER. What I’m saying is, there is more than one way to parent, more than one way to do things that will still get you the same result. The result being every parent’s objective to raise good, happy, and heathy, thriving human beings. That’s really all there is, right?
That being said, there are absolutely times where lines need to be drawn either for real safety concerns, or even for your own sanity. Everyone needs boundaries.
However, I challenge you, the next time you’re about to lose your shit because things aren’t being done “your way” as yourself the questions above. Sacrificing your sanity is not worth being “right”. It’s just not.
In a blended family, there are many different dynamics where conflict can occur. Whether in co-parenting with our children’s other parent or a disagreement between my fiancé, things can pop up in an instant. It would be quite easy to spend days bitter and angry and arguing over, when you really think about it, things that are so trivial. We all have the same goal, as I said before. As long as our families and our kids are happy, and healthy and thriving, the logistics really don’t matter.
Nobody ever said someone failed as a parent because they let their kid have candy, or because they had different bedtime rules, or because they ate dinner in front of the television. So mama, when you are at your wits end. When your partner or co-parent isn’t hearing you, I urge you to ask yourself whether it’s worth letting that issue steal your joy, and at what cost? At the cost of your anger being redirected at your child? At the cost of your child hearing you say something negative about someone they love?
Let go mama. It’s your ego talking, we all have them. But please hear me out and make like Elsa. Let it go. Your mind, your soul, and your heart will thank you for it.
The hardest thing I’ve had to learn as a mom? No, it wasn’t that we are all out here winging it and not really know what we were doing. It was to LET GO. To let go of things we can’t control…and even some of what we can. I don’t talk about my divorce much because quite frankly, I don’t let that define me. I’m not “a divorced mom”, no, I’m just a mom. However, through going through a divorce and then starting a relationship with someone that has children as well, I’ve had to learn to let go a lot – like a lot a lot.
Now, rather than throwing myself into a full-on anxiety attack, I use the tools that I’ve learned to cope. No, I’m not talking about my glass of wine (that I do enjoy by the way). I’m talking about thinking things through and asking myself a few questions.
Questions like: Is this going to matter in 5 years? If the answer is no, then I ask “Is this even going to matter in five minutes”. If the answer to both of these is know, then I allow myself to let it go right then and there. If the answer is yes then I ask myself WHY. You see, most of the time, us mamas want to control our kid’s worlds because we think we know best. And we do know best. However, we don’t always know BETTER. What I’m saying is, there is more than one way to parent, more than one way to do things that will still get you the same result. The result being every parent’s objective to raise good, happy, and heathy, thriving human beings. That’s really all there is, right?
That being said, there are absolutely times where lines need to be drawn either for real safety concerns, or even for your own sanity. Everyone needs boundaries.
However, I challenge you, the next time you’re about to lose your shit because things aren’t being done “your way” as yourself the questions above. Sacrificing your sanity is not worth being “right”. It’s just not.
In a blended family, there are many different dynamics where conflict can occur. Whether in co-parenting with our children’s other parent or a disagreement between my fiancé, things can pop up in an instant. It would be quite easy to spend days bitter and angry and arguing over, when you really think about it, things that are so trivial. We all have the same goal, as I said before. As long as our families and our kids are happy, and healthy and thriving, the logistics really don’t matter.
Nobody ever said someone failed as a parent because they let their kid have candy, or because they had different bedtime rules, or because they ate dinner in front of the television. So mama, when you are at your wits end. When your partner or co-parent isn’t hearing you, I urge you to ask yourself whether it’s worth letting that issue steal your joy, and at what cost? At the cost of your anger being redirected at your child? At the cost of your child hearing you say something negative about someone they love?
Let go mama. It’s your ego talking, we all have them. But please hear me out and make like Elsa. Let it go. Your mind, your soul, and your heart will thank you for it.
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It seems, over the last few years that the phrase “live your best life” has become somewhat of a trend, for “do whatever you want if it makes you happy”. While this isn’t a bad sentiment, we all know we sometimes have to do things we don’t particularly enjoy. However, if you really step back and think about what you would feel like and what your world would look like if you were truly “living your best life”, I’m sure it wouldn’t include raking up credit card debt, gaining access weight, or binge watching Netflix (we’ve had enough of that in 2020, don’t you think?). The trick is, creating a world where you already FEEL the way you would “living your best life”. Want less stress? Want more time with those you love? Follow these six tips to get you started.
1. Wake up at a reasonable hour. Now, I’m not saying your can’t have the occasional sleep in. I’m not saying you need to wake up at 4am to live your best life. I’m saying by getting up and going at a reasonable time, you can accomplish those things on your to do list so much more easily because you simply have more of what everyone craves- time. Long night up with a little one? Try to be consistent with your sleep. Sleep in a bit so you can get whatever your average is. Ask for help if needed
2. Do something for you. Seriously. Do it. I had been chronically not good at this over the years, I was constantly doing for everyone else, except myself. Whether it's reading, getting outside, writing, alone time, meditation, going for a run or a walk, do it for nobody but you. Fill your cup, so that you can then pour into those that need you. When we don't do something for just ourselves we end up stressed out, feel underappreciated, and then become miserable and snap at those we love the most. If you love reading, you can grab my free mama mindset reading guide here.
3. Move your body. Whether it’s chasing the kids, going for a walk, a yoga class, running, it matters very little on HOW you move your body. Just do it. Moving my body instantly lifts my mood and makes me a better human being (your partner and kids will thank you for it).
4. Slow down. Seriously. Does everything on your “to do” list HAVE to get dome today? Guilt is based on an unmet expectation we have set for ourselves. We tend to try to cram too much into our days and that leads to overwhelm and feelings of failure when, our expectations were unreasonable to begin with.
5. Plan. The age old line “if you fail to plan then you plan to fail”. When you have a plan, it breaks down your goals, your day, into smaller bite sized chunks. When we break things down in this way, it seriously helps us avoid feelings of overwhelm by giving us a sense of accomplishment along the way.
6. Celebrate. Celebrate everything. Even in a small way. Kept the tiny humans alive? Good for you! Got the kids to bed on time? Good for you! Seriously, if we track all the things we DID accomplish, it is much easier to not get down about the things we didn’t.
1. Wake up at a reasonable hour. Now, I’m not saying your can’t have the occasional sleep in. I’m not saying you need to wake up at 4am to live your best life. I’m saying by getting up and going at a reasonable time, you can accomplish those things on your to do list so much more easily because you simply have more of what everyone craves- time. Long night up with a little one? Try to be consistent with your sleep. Sleep in a bit so you can get whatever your average is. Ask for help if needed
2. Do something for you. Seriously. Do it. I had been chronically not good at this over the years, I was constantly doing for everyone else, except myself. Whether it's reading, getting outside, writing, alone time, meditation, going for a run or a walk, do it for nobody but you. Fill your cup, so that you can then pour into those that need you. When we don't do something for just ourselves we end up stressed out, feel underappreciated, and then become miserable and snap at those we love the most. If you love reading, you can grab my free mama mindset reading guide here.
3. Move your body. Whether it’s chasing the kids, going for a walk, a yoga class, running, it matters very little on HOW you move your body. Just do it. Moving my body instantly lifts my mood and makes me a better human being (your partner and kids will thank you for it).
4. Slow down. Seriously. Does everything on your “to do” list HAVE to get dome today? Guilt is based on an unmet expectation we have set for ourselves. We tend to try to cram too much into our days and that leads to overwhelm and feelings of failure when, our expectations were unreasonable to begin with.
5. Plan. The age old line “if you fail to plan then you plan to fail”. When you have a plan, it breaks down your goals, your day, into smaller bite sized chunks. When we break things down in this way, it seriously helps us avoid feelings of overwhelm by giving us a sense of accomplishment along the way.
6. Celebrate. Celebrate everything. Even in a small way. Kept the tiny humans alive? Good for you! Got the kids to bed on time? Good for you! Seriously, if we track all the things we DID accomplish, it is much easier to not get down about the things we didn’t.
Once you start truly taking yourself seriously, and realize that the only way you can take care of your family is by taking care of you, your can't unsee it. Life improves. Mood improves. Stress decreases. That perpetual "mom guilt" and overwhelm lessen, and you're able to be fully present for those that need you the most.
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Some days as a mom, it is hard just to keep the tiny humans alive. When you zoom out and look at the big picture, we are raising them to be well adjusted, productive members of society. Somebody’s employee, boss, friend, spouse. Think about 10-20 years from now. Will you even be alive to see how it all turned out? Most of you are probably rolling your eyes and thinking “Yeah well duh, isn’t this a bit extreme?” My mom would’ve said the same (where do you think I got my eye roll from anyway?), but she’s not. She is not here because she didn’t take care of herself. Of course, no matter what we do, tomorrow is never guaranteed, but why roll the dice and increase those chances?
I was a junior in high school when she got the diagnosis. Skin cancer. Treatable. Surgery, radiation, long drives for those radiation treatments. In my junior year of high school, our basketball team was great. My mom was at most games, always cheering loudly. Sectional finals. We had made it to sectional finals and were playing in a fairly large arena. The biggest stage any of us small town kids had played on for sure. There was so much excitement going on. My mom had something weird going on and I had no idea. There was some kind of spot on her skin, I guess.
My mom hadn’t been to her GYN in years. My dad kept urging her to go. Finally, he made her go. Literally dialed the phone and handed it to her. He knew something wasn’t right. She did, too. She was afraid. What she should’ve been afraid of, was not being around to see us grow up – not to miss a couple of basketball games.
She had skin cancer, and luckily, a very treatable type. Fast forward through surgery, radiation, and an outpouring of supportive friends and family, and finally things were seeming to get back to normal again. I had graduated high school, graduated with a 2 year college degree, and was moving on the finish my Bachelor’s degree. My sister was entering her junior year of high school, and my brother was starting 8th grade.
I was a junior in high school when she got the diagnosis. Skin cancer. Treatable. Surgery, radiation, long drives for those radiation treatments. In my junior year of high school, our basketball team was great. My mom was at most games, always cheering loudly. Sectional finals. We had made it to sectional finals and were playing in a fairly large arena. The biggest stage any of us small town kids had played on for sure. There was so much excitement going on. My mom had something weird going on and I had no idea. There was some kind of spot on her skin, I guess.
My mom hadn’t been to her GYN in years. My dad kept urging her to go. Finally, he made her go. Literally dialed the phone and handed it to her. He knew something wasn’t right. She did, too. She was afraid. What she should’ve been afraid of, was not being around to see us grow up – not to miss a couple of basketball games.
She had skin cancer, and luckily, a very treatable type. Fast forward through surgery, radiation, and an outpouring of supportive friends and family, and finally things were seeming to get back to normal again. I had graduated high school, graduated with a 2 year college degree, and was moving on the finish my Bachelor’s degree. My sister was entering her junior year of high school, and my brother was starting 8th grade.
I’m not exactly sure how long my mom knew something wasn’t right again. This time is still a grey area of memories for me because I was no longer living at home. I got a phone call from my mom while I was on a family trip with my then boyfriend and his family. My mom had gone back to the doctor. Her cancer was back. She didn’t want me to worry and said she was going to fight this like she had before. My mom was, and still is the toughest person I’ve ever known, and she was my mom. Moms are invincible.
My mom didn’t tell many people, including her own mother. Eventually they told her that the cancer was terminal. It was spread to her lungs. It was some time after this that she finally told us kids the news. This moment I remember so clearly. All five of us, standing in the kitchen. My mom standing on the stairs leading up to the main floor of the house so that she was slightly looking up to us. Looking up like – for the first time in our lives – she needed our strength, rather than the other way around. The gravity of her words hit immediately, and tears welled up in my eyes. Then, while most moms might pull their babies close to them and cry, my mom, because she was different – to the point and realistic – stopped us in our tracks. She put a finger up and pointed at us sharply. “No”, she said. “We are not doing this. We are not going to be sad. We are not crying. I am going to fight for as long as I can, and we are going to be happy.”
She waited a long time to tell her family and friends. Those closest to her knew something wasn’t right and began asking questions. Out of loyalty to my mother, us kids didn’t tell them either. When pressed I would simply respond in head nods of “yes, you should be concerned”, and “no, it’s not good”. In December of 2007, the doctors gave her about 6 months to live. She died in February of 2008, about one week after she attended my sister’s high school senior night basketball game. She left a husband of nearly 25 years, and 3 kids of the ages 20, 17, and 14. We were left to navigate this world without a mom.
I won’t act like “poor me” because I am far from the only person I know to be in the “dead parent at a young age” club. However, I write this and tell this story so that maybe one less kid will have to be a part of this shitty club. Nothing is guaranteed. I know that I could die tomorrow in a car wreck, or have some crazy genetic thing that changes everything, but that is not the point. The point is this: if I can prevent myself from contracting disease or, if through early detection and with other good health practices in place, I can be here longer for my kids, then why wouldn’t I?
For me, this all didn’t fully sink in until I became a mom. Until part of me was living and breathing outside of me and depended on and trusted me with everything. So please mamas, I know it’s hard to find the time. I understand feeling like there are not enough hours in the day. Take care of your health; whatever part has been lacking – mind, body, or soul – like your life depends on it. You’re right, your kids do need you, but they need you for longer than just right now.
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